Tomorrow is the funeral of my mother’s best friend… Or one of her best friends rather. My mother’s reaction to her friend’s death has made me consider a few things about a lot of things… My anhedonia and whether this has been trickled down to me genetically (my father seems to be pretty “emotionless” as well). My self-centeredness (if I should call it that! How people react to death.

I don’t mean that I have no emotions and care about nothing but the older I get, the harder it is to reach my emotional side it seems.

Instead of mourning the loss of her friend, my mother has been talking about her own possibility of dying. She has a sore throat, chest pains etc. and has said things in the line of “maybe I’m dying” these past few days.

I understand that there are stages of grief:

I want to support my mother in less direct ways and ensuring that I pay attention to these stages of grief. When we heard that her friend was not going to make it, I think my mother went into shock and then denial quickly. If the process of grief begins upon notification that the person is going to die, then that would make sense.

In my case, I’ve made a donation to the kids (once again when I say “kids” the youngest one is around 17 and the oldest is a year older than I am). I also hugged one of the kids who passed by my house but have not yet seen the others.

I’m one of those people who do not know how to react to the living and therefore just avoid them because if it were me I would like to be left alone. I know the average person might want people to show their love and support but my reaction is based on what I would prefer and I know this is a less common reaction one would expect. But how do I know what the kids would want and need? Or how they would prefer we react? I am sure they are overwhelmed and would want time to think instead if being bombarded with hypocrisy. And let’s be honest, most people are hypocrites when people die. They mourn the loss of their own loved ones, they grieve their own losses and they cry in fear of their own lives. The only people who really care about a that specific descedning casket, are generally blood relatives and close friends.

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